HERE

Seeing as how sentence long posts are pointless, I created a twitter.  Lucky you!

For those who are looking for employment (cough), let me help you decode what the job posting titles on craigslist actually mean.

Entry Level Sales & Marketing Ninjas- Sense of Humor Req’d

You will need to be able to laugh at how pathetic your life is, because this job is a piece of shit.

Interview Today, Train Next Week, 20K Next Month!!

This job is foolproof!  See?  We used two exclamation marks!!

Seeking Mascot Performer

Pedophiles only!

*** EASY MONEY *** FOR THE RIGHT PERSON ***

***It’s so easy that only complete morons can do it***

Make money talking on the phone!

Being a telemarketer!

Are you a “PEOPLE PERSON”??

Can you also be a “DICKHEAD”??

HEY … CHECK THIS OUT !!!

HEY … THIS IS CLEARLY A WASTE OF TIME!!!

Ghost Writer Needed ASAP

I am having difficulty writing my first person vampire novel.

WE CUT THE BACON AND YOU EAT IT! - SHEEP’S FEET

Uhhh

iPhone=fail

How did we go from:

To this:

And now this:

Dogs that can play basketball, football, soccer, baseball and beach volleyball, now that I can believe.  But dogs who go to space?  Ya lost me.

By the way, the “Air Buddies” poster reminds me of this:

First there was Date My Mom, now Ryan Seacrest is bringing the world Momma’s Boys.  Enough I say.  Enough!  I am done with seeing mothers in dating shows.  I want to know when television executives are going to grow a pair and incorporate a show with fathers.  Think about.  That’s why I am pitching Date My Dad.  I even made a logo.

Think about it!  This time around the young, slutty girls have to take the father out for a date!  On Date My Mom, people laughed when the moms played grab-ass with the potential suitors for their daughters.  This time, it’s funny a whole new level!  And who could forget the times that mothers would describe their daughters to the guys.  Itt went something along the lines of this:

“She has a great body.  Tight ass and big boobs!  All of which she got from me!”

Now, what if the father said it, I’m sure it would go something like this:

“He’s strong with big muscles, but so are mine.  In fact, I beat him in an arm wrestling contest…you’re pretty.”
“If he’s like his father, he’s well endowed…give papa a kiss.”
“Yeah, he looks like a guy.  Now I’m just going to touch your boobs if you don’t mind.”

Now that’s television!  And before everyone comes on the show, we’ll have them sign forms they cannot sue the show/network/production company should they get violated in any such way.  My email is on my site.  We’ll be in touch.

Here’s what I came up with, in no particular order:

MGMT - Oracular Spectacular
Beck - Modern Guilt
Eagles of Death Metal - Heart On
Jay Reatard - Matador Singles ‘08
Blitzen Trapper - Furr
lackthereof - Your Anchor
Clinic - Do It!
Neon Neon - Neon Neon
Ness - You Can’t Afford to Feel
Raconteurs - Consolers of the Lonely
Supergrass - Diamond Hoo Ha
Kaiser Chiefs - Off With Their Heads

Q: What tells your illiterate child that you know absolutely nothing about them?

A: Their very own Walmart gift card.

I’m sorry, Palm Centro, but I do not need my Santa Claus to closely resemble an effeminate, pre-maturely greying hipster.  This Santa would single-handedly ruin Christmas for millions of boys and girls.  And there are umlauts above the “u” in Claus.  Does he think he’s a Norwegian death metal band?

“Hey Timmy, I know you wanted the new Lil Wayne, but instead I got you Morrissey’s greatest hits.  You’re welcome.”

“Dear Susie,

I appreciate you leaving milk and cookies for me…or not.  Don’t you realize all the houses I have to go to in a night?  Have you thought about this for one second?  Next time, leave Sparks and some blow.

-Santa

P.S. Check me out on Myspace”

“Hey guys, check out my Christmas sweater!  Isn’t it ugly?!?!  How ironic am I?!”

I just saw an Arby’s commercials where the “I’m thinking Arby’s” logo that popped up above the guys head was used as symbolism for an erection.  At least I think it was.  The television was muted.

So Circuit City is continuing their charade.  This time a dude meets the sexy television at a coffee shop.  This is just going too far.  Maybe the whole thing will culminate as follows:

(Older man shows up at house in a nice suburban neighborhood.  Walks up to the front door, it’s open.)

Man:  Hello?

Sexy TV: (In background) Come on in!

(Man looks around, likes what he sees.  Picks up a family picture and studies it.)

Man:  I see you get your resolution from your mom.

Sexy TV:  (Now yelling from upstairs) Thanks!  Have a seat in the kitchen, I’ll be down in a second!

(Man sits down, nervously tapping his foot on the ground.  He hears someone come down the stairs.  But instead of Sexy TV, it’s television’s own, Chris Hansen in a Circuit City uniform.  Man stands up, frightened.)

Chris Hansen:  Please, sit down.

(Man nervously sits down.)

Chris Hansen:  Did you realize that the television you’ve been speaking with is under 18″?  That’s barely classifiable for a high-definition television set.  And you were willing to pay how much for that TV?  Nevermind, do not answer the question, you sicken me.  A man of your age should be going for above 18″ televisions.  You should be getting your money’s worth.  Instead you’re throwing it all away on a cheap thrill.

(Chris Hansen gets in the man’s face.)

Chris Hansen:  You can’t believe everything you read on the internet.  Especially if it’s coming from a Sexy TV.

(Man makes a break for the front door.  Chris Hansen tasers him.  Circuit City logo flashes on the screen.)